USELESS Convention Proves Useful

“We’re here to take back femininity!”

JANUARY 7, 2012

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HOUSTON,Texas- It originally came as a shock, but with time people began to slowly understand what was happening.  A crowd of angry women marched on Reliant Stadium outside a feminist rally sponsored by the Ungrateful Sector of the Excessively Lethargic and Effluvious Society of Sisters (USELESS) chanting, “WE WANT FEMINITY BACK!” The USELESS rally, themed “Give Us Our Rights Despite Our Wrongs!” has attracted attendees from all over the country.  USELESS organizer and chairwoman, Nida Lyfe, had this to say.

“This is our thirty-sixth rally and best to date.  We have drawn in large numbers from  across North America.  This year we have reached almost sixty-five participants! That is almost five more attendees than last year! At this pace we may have to rent a space inside Reliant [Stadium].”

USELESS holds its rallies in a set of tents pitched in the parking lot of Reliant Stadium.  However, this year protesters have occupied most of the area with signs and slogans blazing for everyone to see.

“We’re here to take back femininity!” exclaimed Sarah D. Landry, chairwoman of the Society of Matriarchs Advancing Reputable Tasks (SMART), to a crowd of seven thousand protestors.  “Where did feminists inherit the right to speak on behalf of all women!? They should call themselves male-ists; they just want to be another version of men!”

Ms. Lyfe was not intimidated.

“We’re not worried.  They may have numbers, but we have real causes.  One, we want women to be more like men, because men are great and the only way for us to become better women is by acting more like men.  Secondly, we are sick of being told we are not important.  And “C,” we want men to share in the life-giving process.  We want men to take over the responsibility of bearing children.”

“This is ridiculous.  How can men become expecting with children? This is exactly what we’re talking about.  If you want to make demands, be reasonable,” responded Mrs. Landry.

Things became heated as members of USELESS began attacking members of SMART, but authorities quickly stepped in the way.  USELESS organizers decided to move their mobile convention across the road to an empty mall parking lot.  Organizers quickly called their husbands on their mobile phones, requesting their help moving and re-pitching their tents across the street.

“We take our cause seriously and are willing to make any sacrifice necessary.  I even chipped a nail calling the men to move our stuff,” said Ms. Lyfe, as she snapped her gum while groups of men moved boxes and audio equipment.  When asked why the women didn’t move the equipment themselves she retorted, “we want equal rights, but we want to leave men with something to do.”

Why Write?

Heavy D & Mac came into existence years ago as an effort on the part of two English teachers to motivate our students to go out on a limb and share anything and everything on their mind.  Sometimes students ask us why writing is so important.  I want to share an incident from class last night that I think will help bring some clarity as to why we encourage writing so much.

In class last night, Heavy D and I were taking part in an in-class writing assignment where our professor asked the class to respond to the simple question, “why write?” After being given some time to write, our professor split us up in to groups.  My group did not have much to say regarding the question, but when time came for us to meet back as a class our professor asked if there were any volunteers who like to share.  One student volunteered, and after she went our professor asked if he could have one more volunteer before he moved on.  I don’t know if he wasn’t impressed by the responses — he had gone around group by group to listen to our passages.  No one was raising their hands, so Heavy D decided to volunteer.  I have included below what he came up with in a matter of minutes.  What was even more impressive was the fact that our professor was suddenly interested in hearing more responses.

Here is what Heavy D had to say:

Why write?…Why look into a mirror?  It is to observe yourself and the contours of your face.  In the same way, writing allows you to see the contours of your soul.  Writing lets you see the depth of your own heart like a mirror lets you see the depth of your own eyes.  Writing is the metaphysical, metaphoric mirror with which to see your inner self.  Hold the page of printed words up to your face and you will see yourself staring back at you.  Not your physical self but your real self, your spiritual self.  This mirrored image of yourself now captured on the page allows you to show yourself to others and let them imprint their thought, their ideas, and their soul onto it.  Behold this is now a reflective mirror for all others to see what is in themselves by comparison or contrast.  Writing is to reveal yourself and to reveal all those who read it.  

Heavy Thoughts #1

I’ve never been culturally attuned.  Having been born and raised here I’ve never really had any first-hand experiences with my “mother-country” aside from two short trips to India – the last one being when I was only 14 years old.  I’ve never seen a Bollywood movie, I can’t speak Urdu, and my spice tolerance is lower than I’m willing to admit.  My cultural pride has always been relatively low with few exceptions (when a Pakistani makes the erroneous claim that Pakistan is superior to Hyderabad).  Why do I bring this up?  Well my attitude has changed regarding my cultural outlook ever since I got married.  My wife is not Indian.  In fact she isn’t even Desi.  And so now being with someone of a different culture, I feel the need to begin representing my own.  The trouble is I find that in every way I attempt to be more “Indian” my wife claims that the practice actually originated from the Arabs.  Needless to say this has frustrated me to no end.

In one attempt to reconnect with my heritage I had decided to buy a lungie (LUN-gee).  If you don’t know what that is, it’s essentially just a waistcloth.  Think of the bottom half of an ihraam.  I put it on feeling more Indian than ever.  I felt reunited with my ancient Indian ancestors; I felt a reconnection to my roots.  I felt like I was fulfilling my Desi destiny…until my wife brought down the Arab hammer.  As if she saw my balloon of Indian pride and decided to pop it, she said, “That type of clothing actually started with the Arabs.”  My eyes went blank as if I had ceased all visual input and looked only into my own mind to try and understand how my wife knew, unequivocally, that the simple waist cloth – a garment worn the world over – was originally an Arab fashion trend that the rest of the world took up later.

So clothing was out.  Apparently no one wore anything until the Arabs invented clothes.  Let’s try language.  I started to use Urdu words when I could and I would try to translate things said to my wife in Urdu for her since somehow Uncles and Aunties couldn’t tell that she wasn’t Desi.  I’ll admit that I set myself up for this one.  She points out whenever possible that certain words come from Arabic and that Urdu itself is a pigeon language derived from Arabic.  To make matters worse, it turns out my wife knows more Urdu than I do thanks to her Hyderabadi family friends that she grew up with.   I recall a casual drive down Devon, the mother-street.  As we were driving and soaking in the Desi aura that surrounded the Malodorous Mile I noticed a sign that said “Dulhan’s”.  I quickly pointed it out to my wife and asked, “What’s a DULL-han?”  I asked the question rhetorically thinking that neither of us would know the answer and that the sign was simply a misprint.  After looking at the sign she turned to me with that facial expression that tells you you’ve just said something incredibly dumb and says, “That says ‘dulhan’, you know, ‘bride.’”  At this point she laughed uncontrollably at my lingual ineptitude and I lost all Indian credibility.

Getting back to the point though, it turns out my culture is actually Arab.  And not only that, but my wife has informed me of a great many things that have Arab origins!  Some things I already knew were developed and refined by the Arabs like mathematics, philosophy, history, and medicine.  But it doesn’t end there.  The Panama Canal for example…Arab.  The Great Wall of China…Arab.  The NASA space program…Arab.  Even Bebsi is Arab – we just drink a cheap knock off called “Pepsi”.  Who knew?

But I’m still left wondering…is there any ONE thing we Desis can lay claim to that has absolutely no Arab origin?  If you can come up with something, please let me know.

O’Hare’s Security Deem Selves Heroes

Anonymous Official: “I saw a terrorist and I acted.  I have no regrets!”

DECEMBER 5, 2009
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CHICAGO, Illinois – What began as a seemingly simple vacation quickly changed to the birth of heroes and the seeming end of Al-Qaeda.  On a seemingly innocent Friday afternoon, a busy time at O’Hare Airport, Mr. Sa’ad Quadri, 28, an English teacher at a local, Islamic, private, college preparatory shool — that has requested to remain anonymous — located in America, specifically in Lombard on Madison St., was seemingly traveling with his wife and two sons to St. Louis for what seems was a MSA (Muslim Students Association) event, when he was asked to step aside and routinely searched.

“We’re used to it,” remarked Quadri.  “My wife and I were traveling for a program in St. Louis with our two kids.  I knew something would happen.”

O’Hare officials had another story to offer.

“Mr. Quadri,” commented Transportation Security Administration (TSA) advisor, Officer Ian Fullovit,  “who we believe also goes by the aliases: Br. Sa’ad, Br. Saad, Saad, Sa’ad, Saa’aad, Master Splinter, and the guy with the long beard –  was walking very suspiciously toward security with his family.  No one walks that fast, no one.”

It seems Mr. Quadri and his family made their way through security when O’Hare’s finest noticed a fatal flaw in his planning.

According to Officer Fullovit, “Mr. Quadri motioned for his wife to go ahead of him while he watched the kids.  Which Moslem does that? We all know that Moslem men make their women walk behind them with all of the children, while the husband stands ahead of them looking for a second, third, or fourth wife!  We knew he was planning something.”

What happened next remains unclear, as security cameras temporary stopped working during this period of time.   Mr. Quadri, however, willingly related the scene in detail.

“We walked toward the metal detectors, and I told my wife to go ahead of me while I watched the kids.  I thought we could switch after they checked her.  After she was escorted to the side to be searched, I began to walk over to give the kids to her.  At that point they told me not to go anywhere and they had to check us.  I didn’t know what was going on, so I waited to be told.”

Eye witness, Stacy Eated, said she saw all it unfold.

“Yeah, I saw the guy.  Dressed in white, big black beard.  He had two kids with him and his wife went first.  Then he was giving the kids to his wife when the security people told him not to.  I don’t know what they thought was in the little kids.”

What they thought was in the children was explosives.

“You never know,” smirked Officer Fullovit.  “I don’t know what they carry in them, but they always smell like onions.  If you ask me, and this is off the record, all these Hindus should just go back to Africastan where they came from.”

TSA officials proceeded to search Zayd Quadri, 3.  Eye witnesses say they could hear Mr. Quadri encouraging him to stand with his legs on the white shoe markers and his arms spread out to the side.  When Zayd was fully patted down, Mr. Quadri gave his son a proud smile and began to leave.  That was when TSA officials requested that they search his one-year-old child, as well.

“He couldn’t even stand on his own!” laughed Ms. Eated.  “His dad had to hold him up on the white foot markers for him to stand.  But the little boy looked like he was enjoying it.  I don’t know how they thought someone that size could be a threat.”

Officer Fullovit disagreed.  “I’ve seen babies with full diapers, and that child’s diaper was more full than usual.  There was more than just number one or just number two in there.”

It turns out that he was right.  There was both number and number two in there.

“I’m sure the only bomb they found in there was what Uthman’s lunch produced, ” said a laughing Mr. Quadri.

Officer Fullovit was not amused.  “I saw a terrorist and I acted.  I have no regrets!”

“I can say this, though,” said Mr. Quadri.  “Every father looks forward to his child’s firsts: a child’s first steps, a child’s first words, even a child’s first time using the toilet.  I wish I had a camera with me to capture both of my sons’ first random search.”

Heavy D & Mac in the Morning Poll (12/15/11)

Which ice cream bar is superior?

a) Snickers Ice Cream Bar
b) Twix Ice Cream Bar

*Please do not vote on this poll based on the candy bar.  The candy bar experience and the ice cream bar experience are completely different.  If you have yet to try both ice cream bars, treat yourself to a $3.78 treat — that is for both delectables (each bar is usually $1.89 without tax) — on your way home from work or school.

The Rebirth of Heavy D & Mac

The rebirth of Optimus Prime — after having experienced his death at the hands of his arch-nemesis, Megatron — has inspired us.  Thus, I announce to the world the return of Heavy D & Mac.  While Heavy D may be a little heavier, and Mac may not be dripping with as much MAChismo as before, we do warn the world.  Are you ready for us?

Nerds Storm Local Dunkin Donuts (guest writer)

Pasadena, California – In what university officials call the worst riot since Lulu the Logarithm was removed as the university’s mascot, a mob of angry California Institute of Technology students has stormed a local Dunkin Donuts last night.

“It just had to be done. They went too far this time.” Commented angry protester Clark Thomson.

Pedestrians reported seeing masses of rioting students flaunting pocket protectors and TI-89 calculators waving signs, overturning cars, and deprogramming Dunkin Donuts’ computer system.

Police arrived on the scene, but were lured away by protesters enticing them with coffee and doughnuts.

Controversy first arose Tuesday morning when Caltech students, who normally have breakfast at Dunkin Donuts, were outraged by an unsettling revelation.

“Can you believe it?!” shouted protester, Timothy Gibson. “Every morning we like to come here, have a nice cup of coffee and doughnut and relaxingly start our day by measuring the diameter and finding the circumference of our donuts.  And what do they do to us?! THEY SERVE US ASYMETRICAL DONUTS! HOW DO THEY EXPECT US TO ENJOY OUR DONUTS WHEN WE CANNOT EVEN ACCUARATELY CALCULATE THE RATE AT WHICH THE SURFACE AREA AND VOLUME OF THE DONUT IS DECREASING AS WE CONSUME IT?”

A calmer protester added, “The method of integrating and finding the derivatives of doughnuts was discovered in a CalTech lab in 1954. Since then, we’ve never enjoyed our donuts more. But now, these simple-minded doughnut store workers have disregarded everything we love and stand for. We noticed that on most doughnuts, the frosting dips 3.42 x 10^-4 centimeters lower on one side than on the other. We’ve also found that on average, Dunkin Donuts’ doughnuts are not completely round, with an average eccentricity of 0.12.”

“Shenanigans such as these cannot be tolerated. This challenges the essence of who we are!” shouted Jim Baker, local nerd and Caltech student.

Others were not enthusiastic about the students’ reaction. Valerie Smith, captain of UCLA’s cheerleading team commented, “Like, I saw those nerds like waving signs that said like ‘Give Us Symmetry or Give us Anarchy’ and like those words totally have too many syllables for me, so I was like whatever.”

When Smith was pressed for more details, our reporter was told to “talk to the hand.”

Riots are expected to ensue until Thursday night, when Caltech students are expected to head over to their barely used football field, where Caltech’s annual integration bee will take place.

“Whenever that integration bee comes around, we never see those Caltech students. All of them jam-pack the stadium, holding onto the edge of their seats, and wonder why the superbowl even exists. There’s no chance that they’ll miss that to continue their protest, so we have nothing to worry,” local police chief commented between several doughnut mouthfuls.

Real Muslim Hero: Mrs. Shirkhorma Maker

Zam Zam Water Presents: Real Muslim Heroes.
REAL MUSLIM HEROES!!!

Today we salute you, Mrs. Shirkhorma Maker.
MRS. SHIRKHORMA MAKER!!!

Did you have to buy another box of dates after the third week of
Ramadan?  Not to worry, we can always put them into the shirkhorma.
COOK THOSE DATES!!!

What better way to eat wholesome, juicy, Mejdool dates than put them
in a heated milky substance with spaghetti.
WATCH OUT DON’T BURN YOUR TONGUE NOW!!!

Some people wait for the moon to be sighted to know it’s Eid.  We just
wait for the smell of burnt dates and milk coming from the from the kitchen.
YUM!  THANK GOD I’M NOT FASTING!!!

So twist open an ice cold thermos of Zam Zam Water.  Because nothing
says Eid Mubarak, like a bowl of hot shirkhorma.
EID MUBARAK!!!

Zam Zam Water; Makkah, Saudi Arabia

Real Muslim Hero: Ms. Fruit Chat Maker

Zam Zam Water Presents: Real Muslim Heroes.
REAL MUSLIM HEROES!!!

Today we salute you: Ms. Fruit Chat Maker.
MS. FRUIT CHAT MAKER!!!

Only a true desi could take the natural sweetness of fruits and add to it
salt and pepper.
OH THOSE FRUITS ARE SALTY!!!

Left over apples, grapes, and oranges?  Don’t worry, you can blend
them together for an all time Ramadan favorite and destroy all that is
natural.
MOVE OVER DARWIN!!!

Think that there is a lack of flavor in your chat, don’t worry, just
add orange juice.
EXTRA PULP PLEASE!!!

So twist open an ice cold thermos of Zam Zam Water.  Because the next
time someone complains of fruits having gone bad, you can tell them to
just add salt.
KALI MIRCHI NAMAK!!!

Zam Zam Water; Makkah, Saudi Arabia

Real Muslim Hero: Sister who covers her hair when Qur’an is recited

Zam Zam Water Presents: Real Muslim Heroes.
REAL MUSLIM HEROES!!!

Today we salute you: Sister who covers her hair when Qur’an is recited.
SISTER WHO COVERS HER HAIR WHEN QUR’AN IS RECITED!!!

Some women wear duppattas, some wear hijab, but no, for you that’s not
creative enough.
EINSTEIN OF THE HEAD COVERINGS!!!

You’ll stop at nothing to cover your hair when the Qur’an is recited:
the bottom of saris, the ends of a table cloth, even a napkin off the
table.
MAKE SURE IT’S NOT DIRTY!!!

It doesn’t even have to be Qur’an — it can be a hadith, the beginning
of a speech, or even an Arab style salam.
WHOA, WATCH THOSE ‘AYNS!!!

So twist open an ice cold thermos of Zam Zam water, because though you don’t
wear hijab regularly, you cover your hair when someone speaks Arabic.
ALIF BA TA THA JEEM HA KHA!!!

Zam Zam Water; Makkah, Saudi Arabia

***Please note: We’re actually very proud of sisters who do this.  It shows they have great respect and reverence for the Qur’an.  May Allah increase us all and make us amongst His accepted servants.***