Nerds Storm Local Dunkin Donuts (guest writer)

Pasadena, California – In what university officials call the worst riot since Lulu the Logarithm was removed as the university’s mascot, a mob of angry California Institute of Technology students has stormed a local Dunkin Donuts last night.

“It just had to be done. They went too far this time.” Commented angry protester Clark Thomson.

Pedestrians reported seeing masses of rioting students flaunting pocket protectors and TI-89 calculators waving signs, overturning cars, and deprogramming Dunkin Donuts’ computer system.

Police arrived on the scene, but were lured away by protesters enticing them with coffee and doughnuts.

Controversy first arose Tuesday morning when Caltech students, who normally have breakfast at Dunkin Donuts, were outraged by an unsettling revelation.

“Can you believe it?!” shouted protester, Timothy Gibson. “Every morning we like to come here, have a nice cup of coffee and doughnut and relaxingly start our day by measuring the diameter and finding the circumference of our donuts.  And what do they do to us?! THEY SERVE US ASYMETRICAL DONUTS! HOW DO THEY EXPECT US TO ENJOY OUR DONUTS WHEN WE CANNOT EVEN ACCUARATELY CALCULATE THE RATE AT WHICH THE SURFACE AREA AND VOLUME OF THE DONUT IS DECREASING AS WE CONSUME IT?”

A calmer protester added, “The method of integrating and finding the derivatives of doughnuts was discovered in a CalTech lab in 1954. Since then, we’ve never enjoyed our donuts more. But now, these simple-minded doughnut store workers have disregarded everything we love and stand for. We noticed that on most doughnuts, the frosting dips 3.42 x 10^-4 centimeters lower on one side than on the other. We’ve also found that on average, Dunkin Donuts’ doughnuts are not completely round, with an average eccentricity of 0.12.”

“Shenanigans such as these cannot be tolerated. This challenges the essence of who we are!” shouted Jim Baker, local nerd and Caltech student.

Others were not enthusiastic about the students’ reaction. Valerie Smith, captain of UCLA’s cheerleading team commented, “Like, I saw those nerds like waving signs that said like ‘Give Us Symmetry or Give us Anarchy’ and like those words totally have too many syllables for me, so I was like whatever.”

When Smith was pressed for more details, our reporter was told to “talk to the hand.”

Riots are expected to ensue until Thursday night, when Caltech students are expected to head over to their barely used football field, where Caltech’s annual integration bee will take place.

“Whenever that integration bee comes around, we never see those Caltech students. All of them jam-pack the stadium, holding onto the edge of their seats, and wonder why the superbowl even exists. There’s no chance that they’ll miss that to continue their protest, so we have nothing to worry,” local police chief commented between several doughnut mouthfuls.