O’Hare’s Security Deem Selves Heroes

Anonymous Official: “I saw a terrorist and I acted.  I have no regrets!”

DECEMBER 5, 2009
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CHICAGO, Illinois – What began as a seemingly simple vacation quickly changed to the birth of heroes and the seeming end of Al-Qaeda.  On a seemingly innocent Friday afternoon, a busy time at O’Hare Airport, Mr. Sa’ad Quadri, 28, an English teacher at a local, Islamic, private, college preparatory shool — that has requested to remain anonymous — located in America, specifically in Lombard on Madison St., was seemingly traveling with his wife and two sons to St. Louis for what seems was a MSA (Muslim Students Association) event, when he was asked to step aside and routinely searched.

“We’re used to it,” remarked Quadri.  “My wife and I were traveling for a program in St. Louis with our two kids.  I knew something would happen.”

O’Hare officials had another story to offer.

“Mr. Quadri,” commented Transportation Security Administration (TSA) advisor, Officer Ian Fullovit,  “who we believe also goes by the aliases: Br. Sa’ad, Br. Saad, Saad, Sa’ad, Saa’aad, Master Splinter, and the guy with the long beard –  was walking very suspiciously toward security with his family.  No one walks that fast, no one.”

It seems Mr. Quadri and his family made their way through security when O’Hare’s finest noticed a fatal flaw in his planning.

According to Officer Fullovit, “Mr. Quadri motioned for his wife to go ahead of him while he watched the kids.  Which Moslem does that? We all know that Moslem men make their women walk behind them with all of the children, while the husband stands ahead of them looking for a second, third, or fourth wife!  We knew he was planning something.”

What happened next remains unclear, as security cameras temporary stopped working during this period of time.   Mr. Quadri, however, willingly related the scene in detail.

“We walked toward the metal detectors, and I told my wife to go ahead of me while I watched the kids.  I thought we could switch after they checked her.  After she was escorted to the side to be searched, I began to walk over to give the kids to her.  At that point they told me not to go anywhere and they had to check us.  I didn’t know what was going on, so I waited to be told.”

Eye witness, Stacy Eated, said she saw all it unfold.

“Yeah, I saw the guy.  Dressed in white, big black beard.  He had two kids with him and his wife went first.  Then he was giving the kids to his wife when the security people told him not to.  I don’t know what they thought was in the little kids.”

What they thought was in the children was explosives.

“You never know,” smirked Officer Fullovit.  “I don’t know what they carry in them, but they always smell like onions.  If you ask me, and this is off the record, all these Hindus should just go back to Africastan where they came from.”

TSA officials proceeded to search Zayd Quadri, 3.  Eye witnesses say they could hear Mr. Quadri encouraging him to stand with his legs on the white shoe markers and his arms spread out to the side.  When Zayd was fully patted down, Mr. Quadri gave his son a proud smile and began to leave.  That was when TSA officials requested that they search his one-year-old child, as well.

“He couldn’t even stand on his own!” laughed Ms. Eated.  “His dad had to hold him up on the white foot markers for him to stand.  But the little boy looked like he was enjoying it.  I don’t know how they thought someone that size could be a threat.”

Officer Fullovit disagreed.  “I’ve seen babies with full diapers, and that child’s diaper was more full than usual.  There was more than just number one or just number two in there.”

It turns out that he was right.  There was both number and number two in there.

“I’m sure the only bomb they found in there was what Uthman’s lunch produced, ” said a laughing Mr. Quadri.

Officer Fullovit was not amused.  “I saw a terrorist and I acted.  I have no regrets!”

“I can say this, though,” said Mr. Quadri.  “Every father looks forward to his child’s firsts: a child’s first steps, a child’s first words, even a child’s first time using the toilet.  I wish I had a camera with me to capture both of my sons’ first random search.”